Tuesday, August 6, 2013

99 Problems but a Female Dog Ain't One*

It would seems that all the therapists agree. Someone has a behavior problem. We've been discussing it with speech, developmental, occupational and physical therapists and it all points to one issue: Badassery. I mean, actually, it's probably a speech issue; as in, I know what I want and you fools are jacking me around, yo. Let's review some of the causes of frustration:

Frozen peas
Frozen blueberries
bath time
being taught to climb down the steps safely
being helped to walk
sit ups (oh, who am I kidding? Me too.)
getting out of the bath
getting dressed
brushing hair
reflux (sorry baby)
teeth (will it ever end?)
light switches

I interrupt this fascinating list to discuss what is now being called The Bedtime. By bedtime I mean the process by which I used to dump a tired baby into her crib and she would magically fall asleep. Look, I can be a pretty tough cookie when it comes to routine baby bull. Napping in the crib isn't one of those things. At our parish they have the traveling Madonna. In our house we have the traveling napping baby.   Yesterday she napped in my bed and today she napped on the couch. If the child will nap, I will find the place she will do it. Even if it means staying in the room so that she doesn't launch herself head-first onto the floor.

Welp, all of her majesty's issues are basically down to the fact that she wants to communicate, but cannot. Our OT consult helpfully suggested that I make a picture board with magnets, a white board and photos of things she is allowed to have during the day. Photos I was clearly meant to have on hand because....? Looks like Brad, my brother in law who stupidly said "yes" to making me picture cards of animals, has a new mission. A more specific mission. One with a time limit that he will find out about when he reads this post that I am going to email to him upon completion. Thanks in advance, Brad! The idea is that she can get a picture and give it to me when she wants something. That sounds pretty great, but it also means getting photos of every food, toy and book in the house. And yes, I'm putting a photo of her crib, because, hope springs eternal, even at the end of summer.

Plus more signing. Wanna know what Mariana's all-time favorite sign is? "All done." Her philosophy regarding this particular sign is "Use it early and often!" So, learning new signs should be fun.
Mae: "All done!"
Me: "Cat!"
Mae: "All done!"
Me: "CAT!"
Mae: NAH-NAH-NAH! (aka: no! no! no!)
Me: *slugs whiskey*

Which is why we have no alcohol in the house. It's a budget buster, man.

There are more problems to complain about, but I think it's time for me to go. Little people keep asking if it's dinnertime and I almost snapped, "NO! It's the middle of the afternoon!" except it isn't. Whoops.

*This title is brought to you by a suburban mom who Shazams all the lyrics to all the music on the radio. Yes I do.

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