Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Diary of a Sleepless Loony

I found my phone on the floor of the garage. This is my life now. A shell of a human who leaves things where she apparently threw them. It's not like it was next to the car where it may have fallen. It was nowhere near a place I had stood today. As much as I would like to blame my children, it wasn't them. It was me.

The thing is, I was only looking for the stupid thing because Kate is at a friend's house and I want to take a nap. Obviously the moment I lay down I begin the Litany of Possible Outcomes. You know, "If I take a nap, then.....could happen." Mae is yelling in her crib and the rest are fighting. I just told them to fight more quietly. (I also just misspelled Mae's name as May.(And misspelled "misspelled".))

Of course it began weeks ago, but last night I went for a PM run, where I proceeded to fall apart in front of my friend's eyes. We walked home. While standing outside some neighbors reminded me of book club. I went and stayed until 10. I got home and Mae was still up. It was lights out at midnight, but I couldn't sleep. My calves were screaming. I put on Biofreeze. I was cold. I couldn't settle. I fell asleep. Molly came in. At some point I fell asleep, 3:00 maybe?  At 6:30 Scott woke me and asked if I needed to sleep until 7. I said yes. He began to talk to me. I crabbed at him and got out of bed in a huff.

I barely register my kids' requests today. Melted cheese on chips for lunch? You bet! I can't remember what I ate, but it was something that's something. I don't know, I just know I'm not hungry and have the aftertaste of quinoa in my mouth. 

Someday I will get "enough" sleep. I wonder if I will recognize it. Will I think to myself, "Why I get plenty of sleep now-a-days."? I doubt it. I will go back to being that poor cognitive slob ungrateful for the hours spent unconscious.

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