Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Endless Summer

August 10 -
As I told my friend, Audrey this morning, I feel as though I've been asked to jump on a treadmill already going 8 MPH.

We returned home Sunday night. Scott, my Knight in Flat Front Pants, flew up to help drive home. Maria kindly let us go out and kept the kids. We were able to watch my brother, Nick, play a little at a bar. Nick didn't pick up the guitar until he was already an adult. Now, in his forties, he gets a few gigs a year. It gives me hope that I may be able to learn a new skill and improve what I've taken interest in. But much of that will have to wait, because, you know, raising babies and all that.

Being back in Ohio was pretty great, other than missing Charlotte so badly. She, of course, had more fun than ever before, and I was so happy she got that. Charlotte needs her space from the family, and I understand that. I too need space at times. I am glad she could go with extended family and just be, and I'm thrilled it was to a nature oriented place, which is what restores Charlotte's soul best.

Kate also had a good time in DC. She did spike a fever, which made me feel the anxiety clouds were hovering. But, she was was in the care of my mom and my aunt, who is a nurse. I trusted they could handle everything. It turned out she has a canker sore on her tonsil, which has always causes some kind of over-reactive immune response from her. She's still not eating normally, but is no longer feverish--Praise God.

We discovered something interesting about Molly. I kid that Molly is more special needs than Mariana at times, but in reality it is no joke. Molly's dietary needs are confounding and we struggle constantly with trying to figure out what on earth she CAN eat. (I won't go into detail because I really don't want to right now.) Anyway, she's always been a bit lethargic, and we discovered a B12 deficiency was probably the culprit. She really really blossomed! I loved watching Molly become positively bouncy at my sister's house!

Paul is the same, and I thank God for that every. single. day. He is such a light for our family, and keeps us laughing and is a reminder that life IS good.

Mariana received a lot of love in Ohio and lots of threats of kidnapping. (In our family the threat to eat or kidnap a baby is the highest complement.) For me it was edifying to watch as my family adored her. Sometimes there is a seemingly "Bless your heart." sentiment that comes across when people interact with her. It was sweet to watch her just be loved with no conditions. Not that that has never happened yet, it just didn't happen at all in Cincinnati.

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We met Nora face-to-face in Ohio. I was very nervous on the way. It felt like a blind date almost. I wondered what it would be like to be in the presence of such a gift, such an obvious God-sent love letter. It was, in a word, normal. She is darling and tiny and has funny little noises. Her eye was giving her a hard time, which was familiar to me since Kate went through a lot with her eye. Aleisa and William were themselves, if a little more tired than I last saw them. Leis talked about the coming week being difficult to imagine, and I understood as much as I could. Mariana was a giant and far more cheerful than she had ever been the whole trip. I wondered, later, if perhaps the presence of God just cheered her up a bit. I'm certain all those prayers have thinned the layer between heaven and earth wherever Nora happens to be.

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August 14/15
I truly have no time for this post, but I have something on my heart that wants to get out. I've hit a tough point for me. We had Mae's PT evaluation. The PT said nothing I didn't know, she was realistic in her assessment that Mae as a whole person is doing beautifully, however, in breaking down individual skills there are lags. Small things here and there that need to be worked. I spent the evening digesting this, stressed to my max because of all the start-of-school chaos that must be put in order. The word is fear. I am scared I am not going to be able to do all of this. It isn't just Mariana, it is all of it. I know that scheduling these evals for this particular week was bone-headed. But this is our life. We have 5 children. There is never a perfect time for these things. I adore my children, and I want to do what is best for each of them. The looming question is; Can I do it? 

The tricky thing about needless anxiety is how it twists your thoughts up. Of course I can not do this. It never has been up to me to do it. For one, these are our children, mine and Scott's. For another; these are His children. I have to, above all, communicate with God on how to proceed with all my duties, allow him to inspire in me a good sense of priority, and live it out intentionally. I see more and more how much this is leading me to communicate with Scott, to pray for Scott and to give Scott more space to order his life as well. These are things I've known in the recesses of my heart, but have had trouble grasping them and seeing them for what they are: a map to peace.

I've had light shed on some of the causes of my anxieties as well. I have the desire for Mariana to be something she may not be. Because she has been doing so well, I've been attached to this picture I've painted of the future. I was completely unaware of my attachment, but even as the PT said things I already knew, I felt a sadness come over me. I can only liken it to when your first child does something wrong on purpose for the first time. Whether it's a lie, a willful disobedience or a physical assault, it's almost always a surprise to see your firstborn misbehave of his own free will. It is hard to see imperfection in our perfect little loves. Of course, this only serves to inspire us as parents to love our children more, and guide them toward a higher standard. But there is a bit of grief that can't be denied when it is time to buckle down and start the discipline. (And yes, we will be disciplining Mariana. Her head wants to go one direction, and we must train her muscles to hold her head in neutral.)

1 comment:

  1. One thing you'll learn on this journey is that every evaluation comes with a sense of sadness. It's almost like their job is to tell you what your child cannot do. You will learn how to brace yourself better, but that little stomach dropping will still hit you. And it's okay to take that moment of sadness. But what I've also learned, and now like watching people learn about my Maura, is that my daughter is not what the evaluations and paperwork say she is. We went to see the new neurologist the first time here and when we got into the office, his first words were "I didn't expect her to be so ABLE!" On paper, she's much more disabled than in life. She is quite able in real life, and that's what truly matters :)

    And no, there really isn't any good week to schedule these things, lol!

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