The Fear that Has a Name

Today is the day that I dread. Today Mae has a blood draw. They will test for, among other things, cancer. Leukemia. The risk before age 7, we've been told, is 1 in 100, or, 1%. This sounds so small and negligible. However, we had a 1 in 900, or, 0.1% chance of conceiving a child with Down syndrome, so, screw you, Statistics.  

*The draws are due to increased risks, there is no other indication she has a thing wrong with her.

I do not think Mariana has cancer. I do not dare believe it is impossible. But even the word cancer is such a bomb to the system. Of all the frightening things Mariana might have to deal with, the utterance of the word cancer made me feel like the doctor stuck a vacuum in my mouth and my lungs deflated.

It wasn't so much the fear of my daughter's death as the knowledge that even treatment is a tortuous path. It crushes me to see her in any pain, even if it's just gas. I hate to hear her fuss or cry because she's the baby that doesn't even fuss at a vaccination. Her bottom lip might pop out for a good strong frowny face, but she doesn't cry. I can't even imagine Scott during such an ordeal. He's upset if her diaper is too tight.

Yet I have faith that God's grace will sustain us come what may. It is the waiting that is agonizing. I imagine Christ's Agony in the Garden. Different, yes, but that waiting, the pleading, the surrender to the will of the Father, it hurts a little too much. I feel incredibly blessed by the distractions of my children, of having the task list of things that have to be done anyway. While I may complain that laundry is never done, and my floors are coated with filth and homework is always a battle, I quietly thank God for it all. If I had time to entertain my anxieties, I would never move.

But life is still moving and still good. We bought a house. The school year hasn't killed me with paperwork yet. Best of all, Mariana was given clearance to start solid foods! We started with applesauce. (Organic, no sugar added applesauce, made by fairies and lowered from Heaven by a golden thread, lest anything contaminate my preshus bay-bee. Never you mind the dog licks her on the mouth every day.) It would seem that she approves of applesauce. In fact, I believe I have now been promoted from Queen of Delicious Sustenance to Empress of All Good Things. We captured some photos, but nothing could capture the looks of, "Whaa...are you? For me? I adore you and will do anything you ever ask me." cross her face. Believe me when I tell you, her face is what I imagine mine will be if I ever get to heaven.

It is good to be in this world where not all things are terrible, even when many things are terrible.

What is going on here?

You are locked in as my favorite parent, Lady.