No More Doctor Google

This is where I admit my Hypochondriac Mother Instinct is more difficult to curb because of the extra chromosome. Mariana had a bad few days. It started Thursday night when she cried, for no reason, for an hour and a half until Scott pulled in the driveway. Once Daddy was home to witness, she promptly fell into an angelic sleep leaving me to look spectacularly bedraggled. I wonder what it looked like for Scott to pull up to his home with his wife outside looking like 6 kinds of hell while the baby looked like faeries gathered to create a perfect baby figurine. I was outside because Paul was screaming, "MOMMY WHY IS MARIANA CRYING? TELL HER TO STOP! FIX IT! SHE NEEDS A DOCTOR!" And the girls sang the refrain that usually cheers their sister, "Mari-ana, Mari-mari-ana!" to the tune of "Alluette" over 1,000 times only increasing our household stress by a million.

So. Yes, that happened Thursday night, and then again Friday evening. I also have been suffering, with saintly fortitude, seasonal allergies that I have refused to medicate (except at night with a single Benedryl) in case a drop of medication sullies the milk I feed my sweet princess. And have I mentioned that no one in this god-forsaken house sleeps anymore? My bed is infested with humans, most of whom smell like sweat and bad breath. (Not my husband, of course, he smells like masculinity and devotion.) At any rate, is it any wonder the siren song of Doctor Google was calling to me?

I am happy to report I did NOT Google Mariana's symptoms which were; crying, screaming, day-time wakefulness, irritability if not carried constantly, and pooping in her diaper. I just knew Dr. G would return with ALL IS LOST, THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON YOU, TAKE COVER, WRITE YOUR WILL and POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS AS MANIFESTED BY INCESSANT GOOGLING. The strength of my will is astounding, I know. However, by Sunday morning, she was my sweet baby Mae again.

Though she didn't sleep much last night, which is probably a symptom of Hating Your Mother.

One Moment

I am nursing Mae right now. She woke up in the middle of bedtime and Scott is out. Her hunger turned to fury as I took just an extra minute. I fed that fury when I changed her dirty diaper before nursing. She eats constantly it seems. She's so hungry, but solids are forbidden just yet, and so she eats like a newborn again, though she still sleeps at night...mostly.

I sat down to feed her and she attacked her meal, taking big gulps that audibly plopped into her stomach. Her arm still flailed with some kind of furious sign language expressing displeasure at having to wait. I considered her will, how strong it seems, how she insists on success and perfection. I get the feeling she's none-to-pleased with our new PT arrangement that calls for more exercise. I imagine her thinking, "I can do all this, why must I work at it? Snuggling and food are way better!"

She calms and begins to stroke her cheek with her fist. "That's better." I coo. Her middle finger slowly rises up. I giggle. "Stinker. You lovely, sweet sasspot." She sighs and drops her hand. A truce.

It's easy to forget the world in these moments. There is only this time with this perfect person and our synchronized thoughts. There is the overwhelming urge to commit this to memory-the smell, the feel, the warmth of  her. There is no special insight, only a desire for this bit of heaven last, and the voice from within whispering, "Enjoy."

The First Week of School

My first born. Seriously.

And the Crown Prince.

This is my second born.

This is my third born, kindergartener.

Can you guys believe my mom hasn't died from all the Cute up in here?

Endless Summer

August 10 -
As I told my friend, Audrey this morning, I feel as though I've been asked to jump on a treadmill already going 8 MPH.

We returned home Sunday night. Scott, my Knight in Flat Front Pants, flew up to help drive home. Maria kindly let us go out and kept the kids. We were able to watch my brother, Nick, play a little at a bar. Nick didn't pick up the guitar until he was already an adult. Now, in his forties, he gets a few gigs a year. It gives me hope that I may be able to learn a new skill and improve what I've taken interest in. But much of that will have to wait, because, you know, raising babies and all that.

Being back in Ohio was pretty great, other than missing Charlotte so badly. She, of course, had more fun than ever before, and I was so happy she got that. Charlotte needs her space from the family, and I understand that. I too need space at times. I am glad she could go with extended family and just be, and I'm thrilled it was to a nature oriented place, which is what restores Charlotte's soul best.

Kate also had a good time in DC. She did spike a fever, which made me feel the anxiety clouds were hovering. But, she was was in the care of my mom and my aunt, who is a nurse. I trusted they could handle everything. It turned out she has a canker sore on her tonsil, which has always causes some kind of over-reactive immune response from her. She's still not eating normally, but is no longer feverish--Praise God.

We discovered something interesting about Molly. I kid that Molly is more special needs than Mariana at times, but in reality it is no joke. Molly's dietary needs are confounding and we struggle constantly with trying to figure out what on earth she CAN eat. (I won't go into detail because I really don't want to right now.) Anyway, she's always been a bit lethargic, and we discovered a B12 deficiency was probably the culprit. She really really blossomed! I loved watching Molly become positively bouncy at my sister's house!

Paul is the same, and I thank God for that every. single. day. He is such a light for our family, and keeps us laughing and is a reminder that life IS good.

Mariana received a lot of love in Ohio and lots of threats of kidnapping. (In our family the threat to eat or kidnap a baby is the highest complement.) For me it was edifying to watch as my family adored her. Sometimes there is a seemingly "Bless your heart." sentiment that comes across when people interact with her. It was sweet to watch her just be loved with no conditions. Not that that has never happened yet, it just didn't happen at all in Cincinnati.

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We met Nora face-to-face in Ohio. I was very nervous on the way. It felt like a blind date almost. I wondered what it would be like to be in the presence of such a gift, such an obvious God-sent love letter. It was, in a word, normal. She is darling and tiny and has funny little noises. Her eye was giving her a hard time, which was familiar to me since Kate went through a lot with her eye. Aleisa and William were themselves, if a little more tired than I last saw them. Leis talked about the coming week being difficult to imagine, and I understood as much as I could. Mariana was a giant and far more cheerful than she had ever been the whole trip. I wondered, later, if perhaps the presence of God just cheered her up a bit. I'm certain all those prayers have thinned the layer between heaven and earth wherever Nora happens to be.

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August 14/15
I truly have no time for this post, but I have something on my heart that wants to get out. I've hit a tough point for me. We had Mae's PT evaluation. The PT said nothing I didn't know, she was realistic in her assessment that Mae as a whole person is doing beautifully, however, in breaking down individual skills there are lags. Small things here and there that need to be worked. I spent the evening digesting this, stressed to my max because of all the start-of-school chaos that must be put in order. The word is fear. I am scared I am not going to be able to do all of this. It isn't just Mariana, it is all of it. I know that scheduling these evals for this particular week was bone-headed. But this is our life. We have 5 children. There is never a perfect time for these things. I adore my children, and I want to do what is best for each of them. The looming question is; Can I do it? 

The tricky thing about needless anxiety is how it twists your thoughts up. Of course I can not do this. It never has been up to me to do it. For one, these are our children, mine and Scott's. For another; these are His children. I have to, above all, communicate with God on how to proceed with all my duties, allow him to inspire in me a good sense of priority, and live it out intentionally. I see more and more how much this is leading me to communicate with Scott, to pray for Scott and to give Scott more space to order his life as well. These are things I've known in the recesses of my heart, but have had trouble grasping them and seeing them for what they are: a map to peace.

I've had light shed on some of the causes of my anxieties as well. I have the desire for Mariana to be something she may not be. Because she has been doing so well, I've been attached to this picture I've painted of the future. I was completely unaware of my attachment, but even as the PT said things I already knew, I felt a sadness come over me. I can only liken it to when your first child does something wrong on purpose for the first time. Whether it's a lie, a willful disobedience or a physical assault, it's almost always a surprise to see your firstborn misbehave of his own free will. It is hard to see imperfection in our perfect little loves. Of course, this only serves to inspire us as parents to love our children more, and guide them toward a higher standard. But there is a bit of grief that can't be denied when it is time to buckle down and start the discipline. (And yes, we will be disciplining Mariana. Her head wants to go one direction, and we must train her muscles to hold her head in neutral.)

Paul gets hold of my phone

And proceeds to do this:

Posting Mash-Up

Mae's 4 month check up was yesterday. Time is marching on for our little muse, and I was happy we got in with Doctor Miles today. We like everyone we've seen in the practice, they do a spectacular job of being on the same page and having similar, if not exactly the same, philosophies regarding the practice of medicine. I think Dr. Miles is my favorite because she's the first one to see Mariana, and the first one to tell me that I have all I need to raise this gorgeous babe.

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Four months ago I was in the hospital sitting in my bed after a c-section. I was jabbering away about I-don't-know-what-all. I remember Dr. Driscoll, the NICU doctor, coming in and standing next to my bed to tell me he had examined Mariana. He told me things that I expected, the fluid in her lungs, but his voice betrayed him and I knew something big was wrong. My mind thought oxygen deprivation had led to brain damage. When he said he suspected Down syndrome I felt relief. It was a known where as I didn't know anything bout the Thing I Had Feared. I remember the kindness and respect Dr. Driscoll showed. He told me there would be no secrets, he would tell me if he suspected something. He understood that I deserved to know everything he did. There was no sparing me out of a misguided sense of compassion.

The nurse told me she would take me to Mariana as soon as she could get me in the chair. There was a restriction on moving me because of the anesthesia, but the nurse said if I could get to the chair, she would push it. Slowly the medicine was wearing off, at least it was enough to get to the chair. She pushed me the endless distance to the NICU where I couldn't wait to hold my baby.

The NICU was beautiful and less clinical than I expected. It was a quiet, dark place with few babies. Mariana's incubator was in front of the nurses station. I was told I wouldn't be able to hold her, and instead introduced my face to my baby. I stroked her chubby cheek and mourned the reunion I expected to have. It was strange how I felt. I felt like I was watching myself in a play. The numbness may have been residual from the c-section. The anesthetist gave me something to help me relax, I am not sure though. I do know that it was difficult not to grab up my baby and do all the loving things that mothers do when they first hold the baby. My arms never felt so empty.

In my room I would think carefully about the benefits to Mariana's NICU stay. I would consider the pain I was in physically and the benefits of having good, solid rest instead of waking every two hours to feed her. I would carefully list the care she was given and the things I would not have to do once she was released because they had done them already. I pumped and watched my milk come in. I was thoroughly receptive to the kindnesses offered and the grace that poured out. The whole time I felt the precipice of fear beside me and the crook of the Good Shepherd keeping me safe.

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Dr. Miles marveled at Mae yesterday. She was glad to hear of all her rolling and babbling. She congratulated me on the sleep and nodded her head in agreement about what we are doing at home. She said Mariana's tracking of the light with her eyes is perfect. We chatted about some of the things that are a bit lacking. Mae isn't pushing up on her hands, but still on her forearms and she is tucking her chin to her chest quite a bit. But Dr. Miles thought that intervention for those things in a month would be the answer. She wouldn't be considered behind on those things until 6 months of age.

There were some happy surprises. For one, when Dr. Miles was checking Mariana's head rotation, she used the light and called her name. Mariana stared at her face. When Dr. Miles moved her face, Mariana followed. "Oh good! It's a very good sign that she prefers faces to objects!" At that point Mariana started complaining with coos of annoyance. We started talking about not introducing food until after her 6 month check up and how Baby-led feeding isn't a great plan for Mae because she will reach to put things in her mouth, but that could be a sign of teething, not necessarily feeding readiness. "Oh, yeah!" I recalled, "She's already a rasberry-blowing fool." My point was that Mae is always blowing the saliva out of her mouth, which I always took as a teething sign. Dr. Miles about lit up when I said that. "That is another 6 month skill!"

For now, Dr. Miles is evaluating Down syndrome as something that ups Mae's risk factors, but she's tracking Mae on the normal development scales because she's off the DS charts. I'm really encouraged by this. I know we can cope if Mariana slows down, but why not enjoy the triumphant milestones when they come?

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The doctor and I talked about getting in contact with other families who have a child with DS. I told her of the experience I had with a woman whose son had a host of difficulties. As she asked about Mariana I could detect a spark of... irritation?...as I spoke about my sweet baby. The thing is, I understand. I have had two instances where I have felt a surge of...something...at being around "normal" babies. 

One instance was when I was introduced to a woman who had a baby the same day Mariana was born, and named her daughter what I had wanted to name Mariana initially. Her baby was perfect and holding her head up so strong. Heck, her baby was pulling up to stand, could you imagine? And I didn't want her baby, and I didn't want to change Mariana. I'm not sure what I felt, or that there are words for it. It was like that for an instant, then gone, but it had left a mark where there had been none, and I still feel...shame?...for whatever tugged at me in that moment.

Dr. Miles knew exactly what I was talking about, probably because she's got a ton of experience. She thought she might be able to match us up with someone that would be a good fit. It's not that we feel like we need to be matched up, but it seems like a good idea to befriend someone who knows without having to be told. I don't know, I guess we'll see.

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The rest of our crew are all bopping along enjoying the summer. They fight, play and argue with their parents in regular fashion. The guinea pigs got new digs in a proper hutch and now live outside, praise the Lord. Our sycamore tree ate our house, and the roof is leaking thanks to the tropical storms we were blessed with. The house hunting has begun in earnest, and Scott and I still have different ideas on what we'd like. The house I initially liked has been nudged down the list by another in the same neighborhood. We tour two tomorrow night, and then I leave for OR. All in all, time is marching on as per the usual, and we love it.

Friday Quick Takes

--- 1 ---

Yesterday was my sister Kate's birthday. Not just any birthday, her 40th. This is unbelievable for several reasons, most of which is that she's better looking than ever. It would be terribly annoying if she were also vapid and clueless, but instead she's unselfish and very self-aware. I'm convinced it's not her athleticism that has kept her gorgeous, it's definitely her goodness. Kate was my mini-mommy growing up and taught me just about everything I needed to know when I had my little Kate. I still steal lessons in life from her, and I probably always will. Happy birthday Kate!

--- 2 ---

I started running again. I have a half marathon in October, so it was really imperative. This time though, I like it. I had found myself growing increasingly overwhelmed by this Summer Of Adventure and crabby as heck. The other day Scott put his foot down that I was to go out for a run, as far as I needed to, and he would come pick me up. I did and it was like the fog was lifted. I keep forgetting not to get too busy to run. Running, for me, is the simplest form of prayer and the best way to receive God's grace when I'm easily distracted during normal prayer.

--- 3 ---

So, I mentioned the run, did I mention it was 95 degrees and noon? The path I chose was one I thought was shady, but since the sun was directly overhead, it was decidedly not shady. I also took the dog with me. Now, on a low intensity run like that I should have made the 5.8 mile loop since I'm not totally out of practice. I made it 3.1 miles exactly. I took the dog with me, and it's a good thing because I probably wouldn't have called Scott if it weren't for her. She's out of shape too. I'm determined to take her with me since putting her on a diet is impossible in this house.

--- 4 ---

We bought backpacks yesterday. I was going to spend all kinds of dollars on Ones that Will Last, but instead bought what they wanted. Charlie, Kate and Paul chose good sturdy ones while Molly picked one that had puppies on it. Oh, well. She's 5 and so few choices are hers to make.

--- 5 ---

I am convinced Mariana is teething. She is babbling away as well. This baby is a wonder to me. Throw out what anyone tells you DS is like, because it's just not. This is pretty much what the geneticist told us, but living it and accepting it is different. Thank God for this baby. She's really made me more humble, or at least less prideful...

--- 6 ---

Kate's having a sleep over tonight, tomorrow we have family stopping in on their way further south, and Sunday is our Day O' Rest. Next week is full of me prepping for my adventure to a new state, Oregon. I've never been to Oregon and I get to go visit my cousin's family and my aunt and uncle. To top it off, two of my sisters, Kate and Maria, are going as well. I can not wait. Mae is my only travel companion. The other kids get to play at a friend's house while Scott works. Now that I'm running again this is back to being exciting rather than stressful. YIPPEE!

--- 7 ---

Yesterday Paul said that he wants me to have two babies like Mrs. Chick, who is currently carrying #s 5&6. As he gabbed on and on about how it would be two boys and then they could play, he stopped and gasped. "MOMMY, I GOT UH IDEUH! YOU CAN ASK GOD FOR TWO BABIES! IS THAT A GREAT IDEUH?" (Paul talks in all caps.) I told him it's his job to pray for siblings, and then he prayed right then and there, looked up and said, "GOD SAID YES! ISN'T THAT EX-ITING?" I felt the need to tell him that mommies don't  usually get new babies while they still have a baby nursing, but he insisted that God said yes RIGHT NOW. Given that I attribute Paul being a boy to Kate's prayers for a brother, I'm hoping Paul is mistaken...at least for now.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!